People say Trump “attempted a coup,” explained the senator. “He didn’t attempt a coup He is coup. He’s the coup-ist guy I know,” oozed Graham.
“I just don’t understand why why everyone insists on taking Donald Trump down. He is smart, he is nice, he’s in shape. Last fall he died last year of COVID and didn’t even tell nobody.”
The senator conceded that we can “all agree the attack on the Capitol was a horrible thing. But just because the rioters were yelling ‘fight for Trump,’ doesn’t mean they meant Donald Trump.”
Now, “we can focus on the serious issues, like locking up Hillary and freeing beautiful Brittney Spears.”
Aidy Bryant’s Ted Cruz and Beck Bennett’s Mitch McConnell also turned up to celebrate. But the Senate minority leader had a very confusing verdict on Trump: “Everyone knows you can’t impeach a former president. That’s why we should’ve impeached him before, back when I said we couldn’t.”
But, seriously, he added: “I think he’s guilty as hell and the worst person I’ve ever met. And I hope every city, county, and state locks his ass up. Oh god, that felt good! I’ve been holding that inside my neck for four years!”
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